rage (2009)
Directed by: Drew CullinghamWritten by: Drew Cullingham
Cast: Doug Bradley, Rita Ramnani, Jonnie Hurn, Natalie Celino, Grace Vallorani
"Umbrage is a dark fairytale, mixing mythology, horror, and western styles, to create a unique and intriguing film like no other."
So says the whoever wrote the liner notes on the dvd box, and they state the truth. Umbrage is like no other films I've seen, and I am very grateful for that.
Our dark fairy tale opens in the old west, where an unidentified gunslinger (Hurn) is a gunnin' for a mysterious stranger in a bar. It's interesting to note that these two seem to be the only ones in town. The gunslinger gets body checked by an unidentified woman, who proceeds to chow down on our hapless desperado, as mysterious stranger watches from the doorway.
Jump ahead to present day England. Jacob (Bradley) is bringing his pregnant wife (Vallorani) and 30-year-old 18-year-old assistant, Rachel (Ramnani,), to live in a secluded (read: isolated) farm house. We then discover that Jacob is an antiquities dealer who has just received delivery of a Babylonian obsidian mirror. A bit of dialog in the barn where the mirror is sequestered lets us know that Jacob has amorous designs on his pseudo-Goth assistant and that this is NOT one, big, happy family.
Now, bear with me, because without getting the whole story, you'll never know what a poorly cobbled together fucking mess Umbrage really is...
Cut to: Two total douches camping in the woods. A mysterious, hot female ornithologist (Celino) appears out of the forest, seduces Douche #1 off-camera, who loses his penis for his troubles. She comes back to find Douche #2, freaked out by his buddy's screams, and comes up with a story that "the shadows did it." And he believes her. No, really. Needless to say, the only place to run for help is Jacob's farm.
Blah-blah-blah miscarriage... Blah-blah-blah the hot ornithologist is really Lillith, who winds up being the girl who chowed down on our gunslinger about an hour ago... Blah-blah-blah the gunslinger shows up at the farm, hiding out in the barn. So, to this shit goulash, we now have the addition of a vampire cowboy with an Irish dialect, who spouts quotations.
I'm not going to spoil the ending for you, so... Okay, fuck it, you're never going to seek out this crap-fest, so: Lillith goes through the mirror, back to Hell. Our vampire cowboy follows her, and after having sex while standing the whole time, he dispatches her with one of Adam's ribs. No...really.
The first thing I noticed about Umbrage was the sound quality, or rather the lack thereof. Voices go in and out of hearing range throughout the movie. Seriously, I've seen Super 8 stag reels with better sound. Then, there is what I consider the hallmark of amateurism: shaky hand-held camera shots. I can only recall two shots where the camera was obviously on a tripod.
I don't suppose that I have to mention the poor quality of the writing. If you're still awake after reading my plot synopsis, I'll assume you got the picture. (If you're not awake, you obviously have more intelligence than the makers of Umbrage credit you with.)
Frankly, I stopped watching Doug Bradley's career after Hellraiser: Bloodline. It makes me sad to see that he's just collecting paychecks, and barely phoning in his performances. Every performance inUmbrage screams of actors from summer stock Shakespeare festivals slumming in cinema.
In summation, Umbrage is 125 minutes you will never get back. Instead of watching it, may I suggest that you, instead, hit yourself in the head with a skillet for five minutes. The result will be almost the same, and you'll save two hours.
No comments:
Post a Comment